He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
