Apparently you make a good broom.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
