I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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