don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
