decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
