What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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