you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize