I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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