I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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