yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
