You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
