You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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