Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
