I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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