where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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