I looked at my own cervix.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
