So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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