everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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