Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My pussy is not your playground.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
