i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
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I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
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I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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