literally had 100 drinks last night.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
