You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
