i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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