I seem to have left my pride at pride
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
