Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
