my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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