my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
