Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Terrible idea I love it
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
