i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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