when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
