I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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