I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
