I feel great
I just peed on a car
you would pick up someone in the library
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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