nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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