I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize