I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
