I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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