Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
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You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
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Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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