Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
