My liver just broke up with me...
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
