New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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