no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
