you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
