Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
