You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
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After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
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I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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