It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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