yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I met the friendliest cop last night
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
