remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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