When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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