New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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