if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
