Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
