my phone needs a breathalizer
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
you are never too drunk for berry picking
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
