When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
